Coming Clean by Rodney Carrington & Bret Witter

Author:Rodney Carrington & Bret Witter [CARRINGTON, RODNEY]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: HUM000000
ISBN: 9781599950587
Publisher: Center Street
Published: 2007-09-12T04:00:00+00:00

FUN

Forget the romance and the respect and all the horseshit they feed you. The reason you get married to a person is because you have fun together. You say, “You’re fun, I like you, you have a great vagina, let’s get married.” Then you get married, get her pregnant, and before you know it everything has changed.

Your single buddy, the one your wife hates because he always looks at her tits when he’s talking to her and can’t stay in a relationship more than five minutes, calls. “Let’s go out and get some beer.”

“I can’t. My wife won’t let me.”

“What do you mean? You haven’t even asked her.”

“I can’t ask her. That will make her mad.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m supposed to know I can’t go without even asking her.”

“But it’s all-you-can-eat wings night.”

“Maybe next week.”

But you both know you’re not going next week. Or the week after. Or ever again. Instead, you’re going to be at home, sitting on the couch with your wife, watching the Lifetime channel. And that’s when you glance back into the bedroom and notice Fun is packing his bags.

“Where you going, Fun?”

“Nowhere. Just getting prepared in case something happens.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t worry about it, Rodney. Everything’s going to be fine.”

You wake up the next morning and Fun’s gone. He didn’t tell you where he was going. He didn’t even leave a note. Now it’s just you and her and the Lifetime channel and you really, really miss Fun. So you go looking for him, but he’s not at any of the places you go anymore. He’s not at the Sam’s Club or the mall or the Applebee’s. He’s at the bar with the single guys, doing shots in a big sombrero with some stupid girl with big tits. And he doesn’t recognize you anymore.

“Fun! It’s me, Rodney!”

“Nice to see you, Roger.”

“No, it’s Rodney!”

“Whatever. Look, I’ve gotta go, Robert. This dick isn’t going to suck itself.”

You turn around and Fun’s annoying half-brother Frustration is sitting on the other side of you. And he’s smirking.

“Shut up, Frustration.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I said shut up. I’m not listening to you.”

But you end up leaving the bar anyway. Who can drink with that guy hanging around? You get in your car and sitting in the passenger seat is Responsibility. He’s the mouthy one.

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know tomorrow is your wife’s birthday?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get her a card?”

“Yes.”

“Did you take the trash out this morning? Did you pay the light bill? Did you pick your underwear up off the kitchen floor?”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“You seem testy. Have you been drinking?”

“Yes, I have. Mostly because of you.”

“You know what that means, right?”

“No.”

“You’ll have to deal with Guilt when you get home.”

You get home and there’s Guilt waiting in the doorway, smoking a cigarette. “Well, well, well, look who’s finally home. Out looking for Fun, were ya?”

“Maybe.”

“I thought I left you with Responsibility.”

“I got him drunk and kicked him in the teeth. He’s not coming back tonight.”

“That’s too bad, because while you were out looking for Fun, Tragedy stopped by.

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